Friday, May 30, 2003

My sister read my blog yesterday and called me indignantly, saying, "Hey! Sugar in the Raw is MY thing!" Then she thought about it and admitted that the lap dancing career probably is not going to take off, so I could have it. She's just mad because she's the middle child and everything gets taken away from her. Ha ha ha.

My legs feel a bit better today, so maybe Dr. B knew what he was talking about. The pain has moved into my lower back, but I can wear pants today without wanting to pull them off every hour or so. That's good.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the most ungrateful person in the world. Like, take my job. I have a good paying job, in a mid-sized Christian company, working for a boss who gives me total freedom. Plus, every Friday is essentially a blow-off day where everyone walks around eating snacks and talking about "Survivor." Today, for example, half of the building spent the morning outside working on the landscaping. I'm just so blessed. But then, my work friend comes waltzing in with her 3 week old baby, and after much baby forehead kissing, all I can think about is getting out of here and having a baby. UGH! What is wrong with me? I have such a problem being content with where I am and what I have. Plus, I find myself being so judgemental. Three women that I work with had babies within two months of each other, plus we have another on the way. They are all going to stay working full time. One woman didn't attempt to breastfeed, the other two are on their way to giving it up. And I stand there smugly, thinking, "Well, I certainly wouldn't do that." But the truth is, I'm not in their shoes. I don't know what it's like. It might even be good for me to work, at least part time, after having a baby. And THEN I think, "What the heck are you even thinking about this for?! You aren't even there yet."

Well, whatever. You know, your twenties are such a weird time. When I was in college, I thought I knew everything. I knew exactly what I wanted and where I was headed and who I was headed there with. Now.... I don't know ANYTHING. I don't really know who I am anymore, but in a feels more like the real me, not knowing. I just don't CARE anymore whether I am an "artist," or a "mother," a "rule-abiding Christian," or even a "hippie freaky heavy metal addict." I guess I can be all of that.

Truth be told, I'd really like to be the sixth member of NSync.


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