Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Mother issues. This is another thing that I am dealing with, here in the bog that is my twenties. It was really bothering me for awhile, but then I looked around and every woman my age in my life is having the same problem. So I guess maybe it's a normal thing to go through. The issues are different with all my friends and their moms. One of my problems is that I have no idea what my issues really are about-- but yet, there they loom.

Part of me is panicked that I am going to turn into my mother. ("Oh no, not that!") But the other part wishes that she would call more and tell me what to do and think and what direction to go. My parents live really far away, but are planning to move much closer in the next month or so. Again, I'm torn. Part of me is like, help me Lord. The other part is saying, Yippee! My mommy is coming back to take care of me! I guess I really did feel abandoned when they moved, which is stupid because I was 24 years old. When I call to talk to her, we either have really good conversations (rare) or the usual "Yes, Mom. Okay, Mom. I'll do that, Mom. I have to go, Mom. I really have to go, Mom. Okay, Mom. Bye, Mom. Bye, Mom. Bye, Mom. BYE, MOM!!!" Click. It's so frustrating. I guess I don't really help matters. I want her in my life, but for fear of her lecture/advice giving sessions, I don't really give her much to work with.

I wonder if that's part of my desire to have a baby. A baby! Now that would give us something to bond over! Maybe then she'd be interested in my life! I know. That's stupid. NOTHING gets easier after having a baby. I don't know why we always kid ourselves about that.

I just wish I could have a mother who could read my mind (you know, the non-dirty stuff.) She could be my best friend when I need a friend. But be my mommy when I need a mommy. She could not call when I don't need her, but instinctively know the right moment to call when I want her to. Also, she would send me little care packages every week with new cute panties that she bought for me at Target. She'd want to go see movies with me (she has never wanted to go to the movies with me) and take me shopping to buy stuff (it doesn't matter what stuff) and finally teach me how to cook (we ate spaghetti four times a week.) All of this she would do without nagging or second-guessing me.

Maybe someday.


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