Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Excitement, or Lack Thereof

A pregnant friend asked me this morning, “Has the reality of the baby hit you yet? Are you excited?” I wasn’t sure what to say to that. I went home at lunch and thought about it.

Yes, I am excited about having a baby. Probably the only person that sees my true excitement is my husband. And he shares it. He has built a website for our family with all the ultrasound pictures, possible baby names and monthly pictures of my tummy. He laughs at me when I point out my belly when I get out of the shower. “Look at my bump!” Trust me, it’s a microscopic bump, so he just rolls his eyes.

But as far as showing the world my excitement, no. I think infertility changes you forever. I’ve heard the same sentiment on many other newly-pregnant infertile women’s blogs. I can’t describe it, but I feel guarded. It’s not entirely about possible miscarriage (though, it did weigh on my mind a great deal in my first trimester.) It’s about having been through an experience where most of us had to learn that sometimes the answer is “No.” Sometimes, you don’t get what you want. When people say to you, “Oh, I just know you’ll get pregnant,” you find yourself honestly saying to them, “You don’t know that. I might not.” It not only changed my approach to pregnancy, but my viewpoint on my entire life. No experience is either all good or all bad. Lessons can be learned from the bad ones, and the good ones are never perfect. I can’t pretend that this is a magical experience for me. It’s a reality experience, with the goods and the bads. Motherhood will be the same way. Screaming, pooping, lack of sleep reality.

I have also learned in my life to keep my expectations fairly low. When I was a kid, I would get so grandly disappointed when experiences were not what I expected. College, though enjoyable, was not what I had built up in my head. Relationships fell short. First kiss? Hardly earth-shattering. But I think what finally changed me was studying and traveling abroad. A good experience for me, but one of the most exhausting, emotionally nerve-wracking times of my life. That year did it. I discovered that when I don’t expect a whole lot out of something, I won’t be as devastated when it doesn’t measure up. I think that’s why the first time I had sex was a pleasant experience. (I have several girlfriends who locked themselves in the bathroom and sobbed on their honeymoon night.) I kept my expectations extremely low, and a good time was had by all.

So, yes, I am excited to be a mother, find out the sex (which is in two weeks!!!) and feel the baby kick. But no gushing yet.


Post a Comment

<< Home