Friday, March 04, 2005

"Everything I Needed To Know I Learned From My Trashy Magazine"

One thing I have become an expert on, in these past few weeks, is celebrity gossip. During this time in my life, my brain has been unable to handle any information more strenuous than whether Brad and Jen are back together or not. I have read about fifteen gossip/trash magazines since Anna's birth (and prior to birth, as half of these were read while I was in labor.) Here is what I have learned from People, US Weekly, InTouch, Star and Life & Style:

1) If you need to feel smart, but don't actually have any real knowledge, work a gossip magazine crossword puzzle. (Sample question: "George Lucas's film, Star _____")

2) If you are a new hot celebrity couple, never trust the flattery of a gossip magazine, for they will eventually turn on you like a boa constrictor on a rat. One minute, you are the love of a lifetime, the next you are the worst coupling in the history of the universe. (Examples: Bennifer, Brad Pitt/Jennifer Anniston, Nick Lachy/Jessica Simpson...)

2) Also watch out if you are the next It Girl. Eva Longoria, I am talking to you. (Past examples: Tara Reid, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Winona Ryder...)

3) I don't care what "Fashion" says, celebrities cannot dress themselves. (PRIME example: Mary Kate Olsen. When did the "Bag Lady" look become fashion? Frankly, it smacks heartily of the parody in "Zoolander," if you ask me.)

4) Weight-wise, you cannot win with the gossip magazines. The balance between being judged "fat" and "anorexic" is razor thin.

5) For that matter, do not read gossip magazines if you struggle with your weight AT ALL. When someone like Kate Winslet is judged as "hefty," you know that you are in trouble.

6) And don't you DARE gain more than twenty pounds while pregnant. And you'd better lose it in a week post-partum. (Of course, having four personal trainers and seven nannies helps a bit.)

7) After childbirth, no celebrity seems to suffer from sleep deprivation, post-partum depression or breastfeeding problems (sorry, had to throw that one in.)

8) Pregnancy seems to be easily obtainable (and very hip), if you are a celebrity. Infertility doesn't seem to exist, or at least nobody fesses up to it (Courtney Cox and Brooke Shields being the exception.)

9) If you are feeling lonely, just read your trashy magazine horoscope, because love always seems to be in the air, whatever your sign.

10) The more expensive your purse, the higher you rank. If your purse costs more than $1,000, you are probably A-List status. If it is from K-Mart, chances are you were a reality show ejectee.

...That's really all I've learned. But I am grateful for the past few weeks of mental unstimulation. Thank you, Wal-Mart checkout line.


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