Friday, May 07, 2004

Small Things

I'm learning that when you are struggling with infertility, it's the little things that get you--small incidents that sneak up and bite you in your barren butt. Friends coming back with ultrasounds, that I can handle. I have no problem gushing about the indecipherable smug on the piece of paper. Seeing my 9-month pregnant friend as huge as a house? Not a problem. In fact, today, Steph even pulled down her pants to show me how she looked in her underwear and we laughed and laughed. Admiring someone's newly decorated baby room? Discussing possible baby names? Bring it on.

The things that get you are the ones that you didn't realize that you were yearning for. Like, today, my newly pregnant friend told me that she and her husband are driving to Illinois this weekend to surprise his family with the news. She bought a little baby outfit to give to her mother-in-law as a Mother's Day gift.

Off-guard sting.

I suddenly remembered last Christmas, when I had thought, "This could be it!" a few days before our families came to visit. At the time, my mind raced with fun "Christmas" type ways to tell our families. Now, however, I doubt I would tell anyone until I'm in my second trimester. It's been difficult enough having people know my failures in baby-making, I can't imagine having to tell the world about a failed pregnancy.

I have a friend whose first child died in utero at five months. She was devastated, to say the least. When she was pregnant, they were so joyful and told everyone before the stick dried. When she was pregnant with her second (which turned out fine, by the way), they were the most apprehensive couple I'd ever seen. She barely even let herself believe that she was having a baby until her 9th month. They refused to get the crib out until a few weeks before the due date. She wouldn't have a baby shower until after the baby was born.

I felt so sad for her, because as many children as she will have in the future, the experience is tainted. She'll never be a happy-go-lucky joyful preggo again.

I always wanted to have a "surprise my family" type of pregnancy. Well, with all the temping and charting and crying onto family member's shoulders, that probably ain't ever gonna happen. I guess that this is what I was talking about when I was talking about grief the other day.

My friend just stopped in to say goodbye and was upset. Apparently, her new boss (my boss--she recently agreed to transfer to our team) asked her if she was planning on staying home with the baby or working. Now, I understand their concerns, but it is completely illegal for them to ask her this. It totally pissed me off.


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