Saturday, May 22, 2004

Thoughts on Recent Happenings

I have been having some really good conversations with my sister-in-law, Alice, recently. She's also trying to get pregnant and having some problems. Every time someone new in our lives get pregnant, we call each other to commiserate. I've already prepared myself for the fact that she might get pregnant before me. For some reason, the thought doesn't bother me much, probably because I know how she is feeling and what she's going through. She's at the point in trying that I was at last September or October...starting to get bothered by pregnant crack whores, getting sick of charting, venturing into the doctor's office, wondering what in the blazes is going on.

We're also both on basically the same page concerning how far we'll go, treatment-wise. I've always said that I'll have a laparoscopy, HSG, take hormone shots, pills...but that's as far as I'm going. No IUIs (intrauterine insemination), no IVFs (in vitro fertilization). I've read too many stories about the devastation that women go through when the procedures fail. Emotionally, I just can't do it. I'm having a lap done next month, and they say that the following three months are the most fertile, but you'll pretty know after six months whether it "worked" or not. So last night, lying in bed, I decided that next Christmas is the end of the road. It will completely suck, but at least I'll know and I can start moving on.

Alice and her husband decided a long time ago that they will adopt whether or not they are ever able to get pregnant. They even have a country picked out--Korea. Me...I'm not so sure adoption is our path. Jason will be content whichever path we choose. Kids, no kids--he'll adapt. I just don't know how I feel about it yet. I don't know if I'm the right kind of person for adoption. Maybe I'm the "no kids" kind of person. Except that last night, holding Claire in the hospital, it felt so nice and I felt sad knowing there was a possibility that I might not ever have that for myself.

...I know that I am talking about babies and infertility and pregancy alot lately. I'm sorry if it's annoying and whiney. But it's pretty much continually on my mind.


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