Wednesday, May 19, 2004


It hit me today that my blogging life has become what my journaling life used to be. I used to be a journal addict. I'd have a new thought, and in order to process it, it would have to be jotted down on paper. I am a pretty visual person and it helps me to focus. My prayer life has always been that way, too. In high school, I would try to pray but end up falling asleep in my bean bag chair after five minutes, so I started writing my prayers down. I stopped journaling about six years ago, and my prayer life has been more of a constant conversation with God all day long. I find myself even asking Him what shoes to buy. "The red or the blue, God?" I don't know why I stopped journaling. It happened around the time that I started taking anti-depressants, so whatever that means.

Blogging is like journaling except with a commentary track. Or not. Depending on how your comment engine is feeling that day.

Anyway, on to my thoughts. My precious precious thoughts. (That was supposed to come out very Gollum-like.)

I took Rebekah to get her repaired car after work today and we started talking about a missionary friend of hers who will be moving back to the states in the summer. Rebekah and Chad are going to buy a new car since they have a baby coming, and give their old one to her friend. I asked if she had a job lined up and Rebekah said, no, that the perfect job will probably just pop up for Laura; it always does. I asked her if it bothered her that life was like that for her friend-- easy, with the perfect thing always falling in her lap. Rebekah looked at me sheepishly and said, "No, because my life has always been like that also." She mentioned her husband, house, baby, past jobs.

I thought about it and realized that my life has never been that way. I have a pretty long history of asking and waiting and waiting and waiting....and waiting. I'm not really the type of person, either, who has to "learn things the hard way" (i.e. make some poor decisions in order to "get it.") I'm extremely practical and responsible, and can see the consequences of most actions miles ahead down the road. I want pretty basic things, and know my limitations. I know that I can pray to God to be a Broadway singer, but that would just be delusional. For most of my life, however, every major step has been met with a good deal of waiting, repeated disappointments and heartache...and silence from God concerning the reason.

Is it so I will "appreciate" it more? I have no idea. I don't know if it will mean any more to me to get pregnant than it does to Rebekah, whose pregnancy was dropped in her lap. Is it so I will learn patience? If that were the goal, I learned it a long long time ago. Do I want things too much? Am I wanting the wrong things? Am I bullheaded? I don't know, I don't know and I don't know. But after much introspecion, I truly don't believe those are the case.

I don't know why God repeatedly sits me on a log and makes me wait, while others get what they want before they even know they want it. I will admit, I am jealous of those people.


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