Friday, May 07, 2004

Y'all Are Probably Sick of Me Today

I have one more thing to talk about and then I'll shut up for the weekend.

You know, thinking about grieving this week has hit me hard. I think that this is just a hard period in any woman's life whether you can get pregnant easily or not. Stacey from The Litter Box told me the other day that, even though it took awhile to conceive, she still found herself grieving once she finally got pregnant with her daughter. No matter which way you turn, you are saying goodbye to some aspect of your life. Maybe you are saying goodbye to your dreams of motherhood. Maybe you are saying goodbye to your work life/career. Maybe you are saying goodbye to a formerly carefree and independent life. Whatever the outcome is, there is a loss. Perhaps that is why there is still a part of me who fears actually getting pregnant.

I think back to two years ago, prior to "trying," and I marvel at how carefree I was. Okay, I know, rose-colored glasses. But it's true. I wasn't having to confront any of this. Motherhood was a far off dream, all Martha Stewarty and glowing. But now....ugh. It's anything but. It's up-close and grimey and covered in conflicting emotions. No matter what happens, my life is forever changed. And I think all women have to confront this, one way or another. It's just a difficult and scary time, whichever way you turn.


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