Wednesday, June 16, 2004

The Pits

My house is a pit. I gave up on our den because we are planning on ripping up all the carpet next week and putting Pergo down. It's a good thing, too, because the puppies have taken over and it is an absolute disaster. Puppy toys, poop, partially chewed dog food, formula stains. It's all there. A disaster. I get depressed just thinking about it, much less walking through the room. Well, I heard it's darkest just before the dawn. Maybe that applies to TV rooms as well.

I get defeated easily. I'm working on that right now. Actually, I'm working on a lot of things right now. Change is always difficult, especially when the change involves "letting go." Letting go of control, letting go of worrying, letting go of other people's opinions and comments and manipulations. It's hard because it involves simply removing your hands from the situation. Not trying harder or forcing things through. Those require action, so you still feel that you are doing something. "Onward and upward! I am in control of this person, this situation! Ha ha! I cannot fail!"

Letting go is about releasing your life to God, and just waiting peacefully. Much of the time when I attempt this feat, I find myself having to pry my own tight little fingers off of the proverbial juice glass. "Give the juice to DADDY," God says.

Letting go is just hard.


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