Friday, November 12, 2004


Well, I guess that they just found Scott Peterson guilty. I gave him the benefit of the doubt for awhile, but then I went online and read the transcripts from his phone calls with Amber Frey. That was the only circumstantial evidence that I needed. No innocent man would call his mistress on the night of his missing wife and child's candlelight vigil, pretending to be in Paris. I just really feel sorry for both families. Who would want to deal with their son murdering their daughter-in-law?

Tomorrow we have Prepared Childbirth class all day. Someone asked me, "What do you learn in those classes anyway? Lamaze?" I said, "I don't know. I guess childbirth preparation." The thing is, I'm not really nervous at all about it. The baby will come out one way or another. I would like an epidural, and wouldn't even mind being induced, frankly. But if it doesn't happen for some reason, either the baby comes too fast for drugs, or I end up in a c-section (which may be the case, due to my placenta currently hanging out down south), I'm okay with that also. Healthy Baby is my goal, not neccesarily a certain kind of birth experience. The only thing that I am actually anxious about, with this whole baby thing, is the exhaustion that I am sure to face from lack of sleep after the baby arrives. I am expecting it, and expecting to cry a lot, and walk around pathetically in breastmilk-stained pajamas for a couple of weeks. But honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. I know that the first month or two of motherhood is not pretty.

It's been interesting to discover the stuff that I am actually pretty flexible about. I always pictured myself as a stay-at-home mom. Eventually, I still think that is what I will be. But when I got pregnant, I found that I was okay with the idea of working. Which has horrified some people in my life, but that's okay. I'm going to work 32 hours a week, and we've found a really great daycare provider. (It's a certified lady who watches four children under the age of two, in her home.) Deep down, I still would rather be at home with my child, but this isn't a perfect world, and being at home has many challenges as well. So, much to my husband's relief, I am planning on working.

I had a coworker (no children, recently married) recently tell me, "Oh, you'll see. You are going to feel differently once you have that baby in your arms. There's no way you'll want to come back to work." Since my days of therapy, it greatly irritates me when someone tells me how to feel. Greatly. First of all, this has been a difficult decision for me and I resent her callousness, as if I have been approaching motherhood hillynilly. Second of all, I know very well that the rose-colored picture of sitting on the floor (immaculately cleaned, of course) playing educational games with your smiling, cherub-faced child all day long is...well, a delusion. Thirdly, I am a person to whom post-partum depression is a very real threat. I wonder if isolation at home with a newborn is actually in the best interest of my daughter or me.

So that's where I am.


Post a Comment

<< Home