Thursday, August 07, 2003

I just added another chapter to the Pathetic Scene File. The PSF is what my friends and I call it when you have a pathetic breakdown in front of complete strangers (and sometimes not strangers). Stephanie's infamous PS was when she was alone in New York at the Met and realized how lonely and scared she was in NY, whilst standing in the middle of the Egyptian wing. She leaned her head against the glass in front of a big mummy and cried. Shelley had one at a Writer's Conference at Baylor University when she had no friends to eat with and sat by herself at lunch.

Well, I just had a PS. At lunch, I took the stray chow chow to the shelter and decided to tell Joe, the director (who is also a pastor at church nearby), that I was taking a break from volunteering so we could start going to church regularly on Sundays. That was supposed to be it. Then he started asking really pointed questions at me-- "What is it about the church that you don't like?" "Is it you, or the churches you have attended?" "What is your mission in life?" "Do you want to be a full time mom?" "What are your gifts?" All of a sudden, I start crying my eyes out. And my friends can attest to the fact that I NEVER EVER cry. I cry when animals die and during sad movies, and that's about it.

I felt like an idiot. I said, between sobs, "I NEVER cry. What's wrong with me?!" I ended up pouring everything out to this guy that I barely know. My job. My longing to find a church family. My desire to have kids. I went through three Kleenexes. I said, "I really don't want to quit at the shelter, but I just feel like I'm supposed to..." And he assured me that God will provide for the shelter, not to worry. He also said that God led me to my job and I might not be able to see why until years down the road. Finally, he prayed for me and I left. He's a good pastor.

It was a total pathetic scene and now my eyes and cheeks are all blotchy and red.


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