Saturday, March 27, 2004

I am glad this last week is finished. It was not one of my finest.

On Thursday, I got in a huge fight over the thermostat with my cubicle-mate, Kyle, and we said some pretty mean things to each other. I was pretty embarrassed at my behavior. We made up by the end of the day, but I guess I didn't know that I had such nastiness in me. I hadn't forgiven myself for that when yesterday, Jason and I got in a fight right before work. Granted, the whole thing was his problem because he was stressed at work and decided to spew it all out on me. He called me about three times that day to apologize, but I just didn't feel like forgiving him yet. So I stewed in my juices all day instead of just letting it go and being able to have a good day. The truth is, I was taking all the anger I had for myself out on him. By the time I got home, I was in such a spiral that I just crawled in bed. I laid there praying, "God, please pull me out of this." Finally, Jason came home from Walmart with "atonement" presents and forced me to get out of bed and eat supper. That was all it took; I felt ten times better. I just needed someone to intervene and it was over.

One thing about depression that people don't seem to know about is the self-hate. Or maybe it's just me. All it takes is one sin, one mistake, and I am taking an emotional baseball bat to my head. Jason asked me one time what my worst fear was and I said, "That I will get to heaven and God will say, 'Well, you can come in, but you have to stay way over there on the far side, because you were only a mediocre Christian.'" He said, "You know, the opposite will probably happen. He'll probably say, "Honey, you've beaten yourself up enough for one lifetime; come sit on my lap for awhile.'" That made me feel a little better.

Well, enough about that. I refuse to let last week affect my weekend.

My "atonement presents" (which he really didn't need to get me, but I appreciated all the same) were the Law and Order:Special Victims Unit Season One DVDs (which was secretly also a present for him because we are both addicted), the new J.C. Chasez CD "Schizophrenic" (ironic, eh?) and a hands-free ear thingie for my cell phone. J.C. Chasez was the lesser-known lead singer of N'Sync, and in my opinion, the most talented one. (Yes, I like N'Sync. Alot. Guilty.) His solo album got really great reviews so I was curious. It is really good, but it is also, let's just say, a far cry from the innocence of N'Sync. One of the song titles is "All Day Long I Dream About Sex" and it just goes on from there. Another song is about the joys of a one night stand, and another describes the 100 things that he'd like to do to a certain female. I'm really surprised at ole' J.C.


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