Monday, March 22, 2004

I'm discovering that it sometimes helps to deal with your problems by trying to go the opposite direction. I'm not sure if it's healthy, but it seems to be working for me presently.

I think that I am currently dealing with baby situation (or lack-thereof) by thinking to myself "Phooey. Who needs children, anyway?" For the past several years, I have been baby crazy. Everywhere I went, I noticed the babies, the baby whatnots, the baby toe lint, etc. The rose-colored glasses were on, and I couldn't get enough of them. Where's that baby? Gimme that baby!

But lately, all I seem to be noticing is how ANNOYING children are. It's not that I am trying to convince myself of this as a defense mechanism. I am genuinely annoyed and/or apathetic. I just think that I am seriously considering how my life would be without children, and I am realizing that, hey, it would be okay.

On Friday night, Jason and I attended an extended family get-together. There were not one, but two brand-spanking newborns there. Usually in this situation, I would be all goofy over the babies or in deep pain because of my baby draught. But this time, I felt....I don't know....nothing. The two moms spent the whole time feeding, fixing diapers or chasing their other kids around. I spent the whole time talking about dogs with my dad, eating my gumbo uninterrupted. I don't think any of the parents there actually got to eat a thing. (Of course, the old me would have whisked the babies away so that the parents could have a free moment, but I decided to ignore the old Ellen for the evening.) Then Jason and I went home and stayed up late watching his new "Law and Order:Criminal Intent" DVDs, eating chocolate chip cookies.

Then on Sunday, I spent the day by myself, eating Chinese food at the mall (full of screaming children), browsing Target (whining children) and seeing a movie (I saw 50 First Dates again because there was nothing else out that looked good. Well, except Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind but Jason wanted to see that one with me.) While watching the movie, I thought, "Hey, Jason and I could just up and move to Hawaii if we wanted to." (the movie takes place in Hawaii. It wasn't just a random thought.)

I'm feeling relief at my lack of responsibility right now. Am I in denial? I honestly don't think so. I'm suddenly remembering all sorts of things that I wanted to accomplish in my life. I want to write a comic book, visit Scotland, New Zealand and Hawaii, learn to play the bass guitar, buy Season 4 of "The Simpsons" on DVD and dye my hair with blue streaks. Not that you can't do those things with children, but let's be real--everything becomes alot more complicated with children.

So that's what I am it worth it? Is it worth it to have kids? Of course, you can ask parents this question until your face turns blue and nobody is going to say, "No. We shouldn't have had little Rufus." But I wonder what they secretly think. I bet that there are a couple of moms out there, with their little deep dark secret that they wish they hadn't had them. That they wish they were living in Hawaii with blue streaky hair and a bass guitar.


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