Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Ugh. I am just a nasty specimen inside my brain. All day long I am pummeled with mean thoughts. Hateful thoughts. Jealous thoughts. I get so overwhelmed with it all. I just want to bury my head in the sand.

Maybe God can love a wretch like me, but why can't I?

When do I become a nice person? A loving person? And if I can't, then when do I forgive myself and move on? I'm not perfect and it makes me miserable. Everyone else who is happy, content with their little lives and selves, I envy. I know that it's all in my head. God is so good to me. He is so gracious to me. But I just can't let go, for some reason. Whenever good befalls another, I seethe inside. Jealousy is a demon that I must battle....or maybe it's about simply releasing it. I don't even know how. I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to jump out of the imaginary competitive race. How do you STOP something that is so engrained into your psyche?

If there were a picture of me, it would be a hissing cat, spraying it's vile everywhere. Even at the people who somehow love it.


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