Friday, March 05, 2004

I am having a hard day. I have just felt like a stray cat hunched in a corner, hissing. I've been such a bitch today. I've lashed out at several unsuspecting (though, deserving, in my opinion) people. One is a Chinese anal retentive co-worker of mine that I find myself spewing bitch at on a fairly regular basis. I will admit, he drives me crazy. He drives ALOT of people crazy, but mostly me. It's like a test that I fail once a week. How am I going to respond to Anal Chinese Man? Always with a raised voice and an order to get out of my office. I actually say that. "Get out of my cubicle." I always feel bad about it, and I always sheepishly apologize. But a few days later, there I am. Failing the Bitch Test again.

My character is so shoddy sometimes. I wear myself down some days.

And then, this evening, I found out that a friend of mine is pregnant. I am genuinely happy for them. But it is always hard for me to hear, especially when it was an "Oops." She is still breastfeeding her one year old baby girl. On the way home, I was sullen and all "Why me? Wah wah." Jason blows me off usually and tells me that I am too obsessive and that I should be thankful that we don't have kids, because kids are hard work....and I truly believe that he doesn't think it's worth it. He would be perfectly fine if we never had kids. It's very difficult for me because I feel very alone in this struggle. And yes, whenever I am told "We're pregnant!", I get jealous. Even when I am happy for them, which I usually am, I am jealous and I hate it. But it just bubbles up in me whether I try to push it down or not.

So there I go...failing the Jealousy Test again.

And everything smells funny today. (And no, I don't think I'm pregnant.) My shirt smells musty, the office smelled like orange Lysol and the car smelled like old french fries. I hate it when you can't get away from an unpleasant smell. It's very disheartening.

So if there is a Smell Test from God, I probably failed that also today.


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