Wednesday, March 17, 2004

I am feeling better today. Some days, I just feel like I am under attack. But only in my own mind. It's like I have voices in my head (not really-- don't worry, I'm not crazy) that just tell me how awful I am. It's hard to break out of. Now my mind is on to torment me in a different way, by having this one particular song run through my head that myself and a bunch of male engineers sang all the way to California one summer. It's called "The Quartermaster's Store" and one part of it goes, "There are ______ (fill in your word here), _______ (same word), enough to ________ _________ _________ (this part has to rhyme with the first part) the QuarterMaster's Stooooooooore!" Example: "There are bears, bears, enough to brush their hairs." Anyway, we'd go around the car making up a different verse every time. The engineers were somehow great at this, and I somehow sucked. I couldn't think up rhymes that quickly. Even now, with that stupid ditty running through my head, I still can't think of words to put in the blanks. So in my head I'm hearing, "There are blanks, blanks, enough to blank blank blank." It's very very annoying.

One thing that made me feel better last night was Jason gave me some new insights....from his patients! After we talked the other night, he kept thinking about me and my ongoing depression struggles. So when he was doing group sessions the next day with his bipolar and schizophrenic patients, he used me as an example. He disguised my identity, but described me to his patients and asked them what advice they would give a patient like me. They all got really excited and gave Jason all these really good insights. He said it was one of the best group sessions he'd ever had. They all said that I needed to stop being so hard on myself and learn to like myself. Also, they said that I need to get out and be with other people. One man came up to Jason afterwards and said, "When I get depressed, I stop and think about everything that I have." This coming from a man who truly has nothing but a bed, food and cigarettes. It really humbled me. They gave alot of good advice.

And these are people who have been in the utter pits of despair and mental illness, yet they still keep trucking and trying. It's hard to get out of your mind when you are sunk into hopelessness, one of my main struggles when I am depressed. Yet, you must. I've got to keep looking around me and remembering everything God has given me and how good he is to me. He doesn't give me everything that I want, but he gives me everything that I need. And yes, I struggle with depression, but I always manage to pull out of it somehow--truly by the grace of God. If I didn't have God in my life, I probably would have killed myself years ago. But I never even consider that. Even when I feel hopeless, there is still a little hope left.

Nobody's life is perfect and ideal--I also struggle with seeing that. When I am depressed, all I can see is everyone is happy except me.

When Jason talked to me for two hours the other night, I realized that it was like being given a big glass of Koolaid in the desert. That's my love language. I would rather have him sit and talk to me than anything else he could do. Wash the car. Buy me a diamond ring. Nah. I'd rather have a conversation.

And everyone is different in their love language. Rebekah longs for the days when Chad buys her flowers. Shelley loves when Dan gives her an hour off to go write in a cafe. Stephanie just wants Kyle to drive her to work. I desire a real live conversation. And it's so funny, because I think that God puts us with people who have a tough time fulfilling those desires. I'm married to a workaholic--two hours from his time is a true sacrifice for him. Jason loves a clean house and dinner waiting for him when he gets home. That is a tall order for me. So I guess that it makes it more special when we do those things.


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