Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Weird dreams. That's what you get when you switch anti-depressants. I had another one about my high school friend, Sarah. She must represent something to me, because I dream about her often. Usually, the dreams are about me reaching out and trying to help her with something, and her rejecting me. Same last night. I was always a little conflicted in my relationship with her. She was a very nice person and I liked her. But I was always a little envious of her because of her family's wealth. (And I'm talking wealth for my small hometown.) Everyone always wanted to be her friend, and she could do no wrong (maybe because she could take them skiing, who knows). It never seemed fair to me, for her to be able to have anyone or anything she wanted. But I wonder if she wondered who was her friend and who wasn't. People would drop anything they were doing to go out with her or fly in the family's plane to Dallas to shop for the weekend. I guess I always knew who my real friends were, because I couldn't give anyone anything but a headache.

I went to yoga last night. I really love it. It's like the perfect workout, I think. I actually want to push my body to the limit. I've never wanted to do that before.

I am already seeing the effects of the new drug in one area of my life. Waking up. I have actually gotten out of bed when my alarm has gone off for the past four days. I have gotten to work EARLY. This is a major big deal. For several years, getting out of bed has been an ordeal, to say the least. Snoozing for at least an hour, feeling like I am pulling a wet blanket off my head. During the day, I could drop for a nap at a moment's notice. Basically, I have felt drugged. And maybe...drugged in general. Yesterday and today, I feel like I have a lot more energy.

Some of the possible side effects of Wellbutrin are paranoia, hallucinations, seizures....lots of scary stuff. And this is weird but last night, I woke up itchy all over. I thought, "The meds are giving me a huge rash!" So I ran into the bathroom at 3 in the morning, pulling off my shirt, truly expecting to be covered in hives. Nothing. Not a spot. But the rest of the night, whenever I woke up, my first thought was "Rash!" I couldn't seem to let it go.

Sometimes, when I really think about it, it feels overwhelming to me that I will never be "normal." Everything in my life will have the cloud of depression hanging over it. My poor husband will never have one of those wives who is put together. He will have to hear, "Do you love me? Do you really love me?" for the rest of his life. I might end up with serious post-partum. I will probably end up in the therapist's chair several more times. I will probably be switching around my medication for the rest of my life. And who knows what long term effects they will have? Heart problems? Seizures? Growing antennas? Who knows.

I guess I just do what I have to do today.


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