Sunday, February 15, 2004

I have been so emotional this weekend. Jason was home all weekend, so it was nice to spend some time with him. I went to a baby shower this afternoon, and I just felt so tired by the end. Emotionally drained. It wasn't the shower, it was me.

I talked to Shelley for awhile in the car after the shower. It isn't just the not being able to get pregnant--it's just a confusing time in life for me. I wonder if I want to get pregnant and be a mother for the wrong reasons. I wonder if maybe I shouldn't even have children because of my chronic depression. I wonder what my purpose in life is. I wonder why I can't just turn off my brain and enjoy life. I want to so very badly. But I've never been able to do it. Sometimes I just feel like it's my body rebelling against me--it's hard to do mind over matter when your body isn't cooperating.

I really don't want to sound like a poop. But so often I put on the chipper face, especially at work, and it takes more energy to do that than just being how I'm feeling. I had several people ask me if I was tired last week. Emotionally tired, yes.

And then there's my family. Karen and I were planning on going to Scotland for a week this summer. Had the whole thing planned. But we knew that my youngest college-age sister would get her feelings hurt. Right before we booked the trip, we called my parents to get their advice. First mistake. We soon found ourselves in a classic double bind. Damned if we do, damned if we don't. My father said that he was willing to pay for Sara's chunk of the money if it meant that we would all be able to finally bond as sisters. Guilt guilt guilt. Long story short, we aren't going at all. There's too much baggage attached. I don't want to be a babysitter for a week, but to tell her she can't go....well, hello Bad Sister Ellen. I just can't deal with the guilt. Trip's off.

I think that I missed out on some fundamental growing up experience in life. The teenage rebellion part. The part where you stop trying to please your parents, you sneak out of the house to get into mischief, you slowly become your own person by making mistakes. I never did that. And I'm just lost. I feel like a 15 year old most of the time. On the brink of making my own decisions, but completely petrified whenever one comes my way.

I feel like snapping at everyone, "Get the hell out of my office!" "No, I will not do your work for you!" "Who cares what you think of my life?! It's MY LIFE so stop offering your unsolicited opinion on it!" "Stop being so shallow and BORING!" "I cannot make your problems go away!" I am not perfect. I am anything but. I want to yell that out loud.

I do not have to achieve perfection. I do not have to be the perfect daughter. I do not have to be the perfect friend. I cannot be everything for you. I cannot be your strong listening ear all the time. I cannot hold my old family together. I do not like that church. I don't owe anything to you. I will not be manipulated. I have let you treat me small for so long. I became harmless in life. Easy. Won't say no. Give it to Ellen, she'll eat anything.

I guess maybe I am a little angry tonight.


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