Monday, February 16, 2004

I'm having a hard time at work today. I've been reading in my Purpose-Driven Life book about practicing the presence of God. Living your life in constant conversation with God, and doing everything you do specifically for Jesus. Washing the dishes, typing a report, cleaning your cat's stinky butt--all of it for God.

Well, I'm having a hard time doing that. Somehow, I think it might be easier if you are a missionary or a teacher or a nurse. But I just sit in a cubicle. I file papers. I burn CDs. I'm bored 95% of the time. Playing solitaire for Jesus!! Hardly seems holy.

And the book has also been talking about how to have a friendship with God. The first thing is you have to be honest with Him. I struggle with that also. I keep my real feelings from Him, which is really stupid and delusional since He knows what's going on really.

I want to stamp my feet at Him, like a three year old, and shout, "Why why why?!" Why do I feel useless all the time? Why don't you take away my depression? Why didn't you give me parents that could cope with me? Why won't you let me have a baby? Why does everything that I try seem to fail? Why won't you talk to me? Why won't you give me an answer? Why did you make me?!

I feel so angry and confused. Lately, I feel like the tears are just one blink away from rolling down my face. It seems painful and cruel that I have to go to work everyday and smile when I just want to go home to crawl into bed.


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