Tuesday, July 08, 2003

Apparently many people share my J.Lo feelings. Hear, hear!

Well, guess I'm not pregnant again. Aunt Flo came lightly knocking upon my door this morning. Sigh. I'm okay, just bummed again. I guess you cannot "will" your period not to come. I sat there on the toilet, thinking violently, "NO! Go away!" Didn't work. It's hard because, although my husband wants me to get pregnant, he doesn't deal with the day to day cycle stuff, so he essentially has no idea what's going on. He says, "Now don't get all worried about this. It will happen when it happens." Which I know. Duh. But when you are watching your temperature shoot back down, when you want it to stay UP, it's hard not to get frustrated. So, yes. I am bummed.

I find myself pleading with God. Like if I really really really mean it, then I'll be pregnant this month. Then I get angry when it doesn't happen. Angry with God. Then I feel guilty for being angry with God. Then I look out the window for the lightening to come out of the sky and strike me dead. I think, "Hey, God, I want a baby. Is that so bad? Is that so wrong?"

I think about my friend who lost a baby at the fifth month, then had secondary infertility trying for the next. It took her a year and a half. She would get her period and stay in bed the whole day and cry. I'm certainly not anywhere near that. But I am starting to understand the frustration and out-of-your-hands feeling.


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