Friday, December 05, 2003

I am going to blog something now that I told my husband that I wasn't going to do anymore, because he said it makes me appear whiney and "Poor Me": whine about fertility. Poor me.

This girl I work with, Stacy, came in today and announced that she's pregnant again. The prelude to this announcement is that she just had a baby in September. For Pete's sake, she just got back from maternity leave a few weeks ago. I was a little shocked and afterwards, asked another girl if it had been an oops. No, it wasn't an oops. She wants her kids close together. Her husband didn't want any more but consented to one more. Boom. She's pregnant.

Kyle says, "That girl's as fertile as a Tennessee valley." So here comes the annoying, pathetic, "Poor Me" part.... tune out now if you don't want to hear it. What is WRONG with me?! Where's my baby? Why won't the sperm and eggs get it in gear? It's not ROCKET SCIENCE. If I hear one more person saying, "You can't get pregnant if you don't relax about it" I will pop them one. It's a load of crap, for one thing. You can get pregnant if you are wound up as tight as a spindle. These people usually know nothing about fertility and ovulation. Pregnancy is not a state of mind. "I am so relaxed today-- oops! Hey, I'm pregnant! Look at that."

I would like nothing more than to be the type of person who can just let it go, have sex whenever we feel the mood and suddenly wind up pregnant the next month. I would like to be the type of person that hands it over to God once, and suddenly I am totally at peace. But here's the reality: I have to hand it over to God about seventeen times a day and I still struggle with it. Every time someone in my office announces that they are expecting, every time I go to a baby shower and must will myself into selflessly feeling joy for the new mom, every time I see a Pottery Barn Kids catalog on someone's desk-- I struggle and have to fight to turn it over to God.

Sorry to be a whiner. The hard part through all of this, aside from looking for those phantom lines on pregnancy tests month after month, has been seeing ugly, jealous sides to myself. You want to feel like you know who you are, and what kind of emotions are in there, then comes a trial and you see that you are pretty weak after all.


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