Sunday, January 11, 2004

Pretty good weekend. We had our friends, the Grusings, over last night. It's so nice to have handy friends. It's nice to have friends that you feel comfortable to ask to do to the difficult things. They are friends like that. They helped us move once, and we have helped them tile their kitchen. I painted their baby's room last spring. Yesterday, Brent picked our new dishwasher up at Sears and helped Jason install it. We had a good time. I made Thai food and the guys played Playstation afterwards. Their 9 month old baby, Caleb, is a crawling maniac right now. I guess I didn't realize how unbabyproofed our house is. I spent half of my time steering him away from the space heater. Squirrel thought Caleb was interesting and ran circles around him.

Church was good this morning. I ended up zoning out during the sermon and thinking about the whole infertility website thing. Being convicted by God is weird. When you really get convicted, you feel like you have to leave right then and do something about it. Anyway, when I got back, I wrote one last post, just to tell the women that I was sorry about their pain, because I truly am. I said I would pray for them. It's really hard wanting something so badly and seeing other people with it. I understand that, definitely.

The funny thing is that, before communion today, I actually found myself thanking God for my infertility. I never ever thought that I would pray that! But I am thankful. I have learned so much over the past year. Things that I wouldn't have known before. If I had just had it given to me, I wouldn't know the longing...I wouldn't know that sometimes we don't just get what we want when we want it. I wouldn't really believe in God's perfect timing. I wouldn't know how to suck it up and deal with the pain. Everyone has pain in life, I'm seeing, because it's a fallen world. Nobody gets a free ride.

And finally, I'm learning acceptance that God may have something else for me, and the fear of never having my own biological child subsides when I think of it that way. Maybe God wants us to adopt. Maybe I'm going to devote myself to something else other than raising a family. I have no idea. But my trust in God is growing, which, to me, has made it all worth it.


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